Many think that trauma inevitably occurs in the midst of a traumatic event, but this is not the case. What separates a child who suffers a PTSD diagnosis from another who walks away emotionally unscathed? It is what happens immediately after the event rather than the event itself that matters most.
My daughter is 4 years old and had to get a tooth pulled. The laughing gas was administered and she lay there relaxed until she received the local anesthetic. The painful shots brought tears to her eyes and her body tensed. It is easy as a parent to speak the words “don’t cry, you’re ok” because all we want is to put an end to our child’s suffering. And while this is well-intentioned, it undermines our child’s natural ability to experience pain and then discharge it. When I saw her body tense, I placed my hand on her hand and said “this is really owie, go ahead and cry.” When the actual tooth was pulled she exclaimed in pain. Again I said, “That was shocking and really owie, cry all of your tears.” After the procedure was over, my daughter looked at the TV above her and began to zone out on the screen. I came close to her, made steady eye contact and with my own breath invited her to relax her body and cry all of her tears while confirming that what she experienced was painful and scary. We hugged, and I rocked her back and forth while humming a song signaling to her nervous system to calm down. Her tears and sadness passed within 20 minutes.
In the days that followed I bought her a toy dentist kit where she took care of her patient, pulled their teeth, and processed through play. These steps can more simply be outlined as such: validating, offering steady reassurance, gentle touch, and then space to play and process. When asked about the dentist a few days ago, she said she likes the dentist and wants to go back. Our children are resilient if we allow for them to feel what naturally arises and guide them with our own steadiness.
Join us for a free workshop where we will discuss tools to teach children how to emotionally regulate and process some of life’s most difficult events, hosted by Lauren Capone, MHC-LP. August 24, 9:30-10:30 AM PST. Click here to RSVP for the event.