Greg and Sara came to couples therapy because their marriage had grown cold. Both partners felt misunderstood and misrepresented. Their conflict spiraled into bigger arguments. Or they just wouldn’t engage at all.
In our first session, Sara began by recounting Greg’s anger that arrested the conversation and sent it spinning. Sara would feel scared and untrusting of her partner. In response, Greg detailed feeling hurt and misunderstood.
This often sounds a little like this:
Sara, “It scares me when you yell, and I don’t understand how you can be so angry.”
Greg, “I feel attacked and like you don’t understand me. You think I’m a bad person.”
Both partners quickly became deadlocked in the argument, asking their partner to take their perspective, but neither was willing to do it first or take the time to do it well.
With the proper supports, I began to offer alternative ways for them to show up in the conversation.
I would say, “Greg, can you start a sentence with ‘it makes sense that…’ and list all the reasons why it might make sense why your partner is scared?”
Or, “Sara, can you imagine you were in Greg’s position for a moment and sense into what it might feel like to be him?”
Slowly and with more prompts like these, both partners ended the session in tears, embracing each other, welcoming their lost lover home, both feeling understood and safe again.
Taking the time to slow down with real empathy and validation is not only a powerful predictor of true emotional intimacy and the strength of a relationship; it is also a conduit for lonely partners to reunite and heal.
Learn more or schedule an appointment with Lauren Capone MA, MHC-LP.